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How to Heal From Emotional Dysfunction and Reclaim Your Life |
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For many of us emotionally stunted by terrible examples (often from our mothers), it’s a wonder we get as far as we do in life, while so many others don’t. We struggle to separate ourselves from the dysfunction, but the achievements, material possessions, and notches on the wall won’t survive the eventual cannibalism of oneself over time.
Think of this: Suppose a child is born with all 64 crayons in the box—some even with the jumbo 128-crayon assortment. These crayons are instruments of emotion, meant to paint life’s canvas. But what happens when life robs you of your tools—through the choices of others, trauma, neglect—and leaves you with only five broken ones, all the same color? When your toolbox for dealing with emotions is empty, the picture isn’t quite as pretty.
For me, every emotion came out as anger. Fear, sadness, shame—none of it mattered. Everything was anger.
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The Container We Can’t Escape
Picture a container sitting on the floor of your mind. This is where you store the trauma, memories, and emotions you weren’t ready to deal with. Over time, as more memories pile up, you start pressing everything deeper and deeper into that container, thinking you’ve "dealt with it." But you haven’t. Eventually, it all bubbles back up and explodes into different areas of your life. This is where self-cannibalization starts—slowly, insidiously, and it only gets worse.
When you refuse to confront these emotions, your subconscious sneaks previous versions of yourself into your present life, dragging you back to the same patterns, the same pain. You don’t know how you got there or how to escape, and before long, you’re trapped in an endless cycle of arrested emotional development—a hamster wheel that keeps spinning.
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Stop the Cycle or Stay Broken
So, what do you do to stop this endless cycle? As your consciousness grows, you start seeing glimpses of the real problem. You can self-medicate and cope for a while, but eventually, you’ll run out of distractions. To stop our self-destruction, we must deal with our past traumas and emotions, correct the labels, and process what has been neglected.
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The Real You Needs Help—From You
To empathize is to put yourself in another’s shoes. But here’s the thing—what if the person who needs your empathy is you? Specifically, the you from your formative years. The you who was shaped by dysfunction, who had no say in what happened, and who carried those scars into adulthood. That version of you needs your help, and only the current you can offer it.
You’ve got to show up for yourself, the way no one else ever did. That means getting real with the you that didn’t have a choice, that didn’t know better. It’s not someone else’s job anymore—it’s yours. That younger version of you? They need you. Right now.
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Time to Sit in the Well
I have a picture of myself as a young boy that used to make my heart hurt. That little boy didn’t choose the things that happened to him, and he certainly didn’t have the tools to deal with them.
Healing emotions isn’t some complicated process—it comes down to awareness and validation. Nothing else. As kids, we learned to use the wrong emotional crayons because the people who were supposed to teach us differently didn’t. And why should we be surprised? When the ones responsible for raising us were dysfunctional themselves, we were bound to get screwed up. We were damaged and limited from the start. But healing begins when we bring awareness and validation to our younger selves.
When a friend is hurting, we don’t try to solve their problems. We sit with them, hear them, and validate what they’re feeling. It’s the same when you confront your past self. Trying to apply logic, wisdom, or problem-solving to your childhood pain is useless—especially when you’re doing it to yourself.
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Sitting with Your Younger Self |
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Eventually, I sat down with my younger self—in the darkness, the bewilderment, and the pain. I forgave that little boy for not knowing what he didn’t know. Slowly, I went through each painful memory that haunted my past, each moment that kept me from becoming my best self. I re-experienced the pain, not to wallow in it, but to finally feel it as it was meant to be felt.
Re-labeling those emotions wasn’t just about naming them—it was like putting the right color on an experience that had always been painted wrong. I went back, piece by piece, and gave fear its own place, sadness its own space, and shame a proper name.
That little boy inside of me wasn’t wrong—he just didn’t have the tools to understand. And knowing that little boy was safe within me, my current self, I relabeled all those emotions that had been colored with “anger,” and the silent suffering started to disappear. Sitting in that space and labeling my pain properly was really cathartic. Words can’t capture the weight that lifted from me, or the clarity it gave me.
Untangling the emotional mess from my past freed up mental bandwidth I didn’t even know I’d lost. It also gave me the understanding I needed to protect my future self—and the people I love—from the dysfunction I couldn’t escape as a child.
Start by Expanding Your Emotional Lexicon
Every profession has its own language—labels for ideas that allow people to do their work. And emotions are no different. If you want to heal the past, you’re going to need to expand your vocabulary around emotions. This is essential because many of the labels we’ve been using aren’t accurate. They don’t fit what we really felt.
I recommend starting with an emotional word wheel. This simple tool can help you trade those basic, mismatched labels for healthier, more appropriate ones. What you might have called "anger" in the past could really be frustration, fear, or grief. The more specific you get, the better you can understand yourself.
Start by expanding your lexicon. You need to equip the past versions of yourself with the right emotional tools. That way, you can begin to untangle the mess, relabel the pain, and move forward with clarity..
Final Thoughts: Your Freedom Is Within Reach
Untangling the pain from your past isn’t easy. But if you’re tired of spinning in circles, tired of being stuck in the same patterns that destroy your relationships, your peace, and your progress, it’s time to face the hard truth: you are the only one who can heal your past. You owe it to the person you are now and the person you want to become.
I hope this helps free you from the significant events that have held you back from reaching your best self.
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Healing starts with awareness—and The Self-Work Blueprint is your roadmap. This free five-part audio series and companion guide will help you break the patterns that have kept you stuck, rewire your mindset, and step into the life you were meant to live.
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Who am I, you ask?
I am a God-fearing husband, father, and firm believer in taking ownership of your life. Too many people stay stuck in emotional dysfunction—not because they want to, but because they don’t know another way. But healing isn’t about waiting for time to fix things. It’s about doing the work, confronting the truth, and taking responsibility for your own growth. My goal? To help you break free from the past, reclaim your mind, and build a life that isn’t controlled by old wounds. Because the strongest version of you is the one who refuses to stay broken.
Here’s to you and your journey on becoming
the best version of yourself!
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